PS 3545 
.064 P8 
1923 
Copy 1 

























" The Plays that Sparkle 

For High Schools, Colleges, Dramatic Clubs. 
By REA WOODMAN 

Simple stage settings Characteristic action 

Present day costumes Fascinating dialogue 

The Sweet Girl Graduates (1902) A Domestic Com¬ 
edy in three acts and an epilogue. Maude De Smythe 
is pretty, spoiled, nervous and importunate. Getting 
her ready to graduate consumes the energies of the 
whole family, and well-nigh wrecks the aggregation. 
7 male, 4 female characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 35 
cents. 

The Professor (1906) A Commencement Comedy in 
three acts and an epilogue. The Principal of “The Raf- 
ton High” is the busiest man in town during Com¬ 
mencement Week,—so busy, so tired, so patient, so 
harassed and so dearl 5 male, 8 female characters. 
Time, 2 hours. Price 35 cents. 

His Uncle John (1909) A College Comedy in three 
acts and a prologue. Jack Sanderson finds it rather 
disconcerting to have his rich Uncle appear unexpec¬ 
tedly,—his Uncle, who sincerely believes “a young 
man married is a man that’s marred.” 4 male, 3 female 
characters. Time, \ / 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

Galliger (1910) A High School Comedy in three acts 
and a prologue. As First Assistant to the chairman of 
The Refreshment Committee, Galliger Gurdy, the 
charming, the efficient, the nonchalant, rounds up the 
Senior Reception in dashing style. 4 male, 8 female 
characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 


(Continued on inside back cover.) 





) 

> 


















Copyright, 1923, by Rea Woodman 


©CI.D 64193 


Lansing-Broas Printing Company, Inc. 
Poughkeepsie, New York 




THE PEOPLE OF THE RHAPSODY 

Professor Markham Wright, Teacher of Science at 
t( The Raft on High,” 

A Bashful Man in Love 

Mrs. Martha Morton Grindem, the Principal's Wife, 
His Sympathetic Friend 

Mrs. Wigeiam Morton, the Principal's Mother-in-Law, 
A Well-Meaning Old Party 

Miss Sophia Spaugding, Teacher of Elocution, 
Conscious of Being Very Attractive 

Babe Woodward, \ 

Mame Hensell, 1 

Bessie Tapping, I 

Miggicent Cameron, \ A Bunch of Rafton Seniors 
Gaggiger Gurdy, l 
Frank Sawyer, ] 

Dan Mitchegg, / 

Mrs. Betty Snitters, General Factotum 
Mary, Mrs. Grindem’s Maid 

Itinerant Photograph Man, Ice Cream Man, Flappers, 
and High School Folk. 


ACT I The Livingroom oe the GrindEm Home, 
One Saturday Morning in May 

“What’s the use talkin’ about love? When 
you’re in it you can’t talk about it, and 
when you’re out of it you don’t care!” 

ACT II The Classroom oe Proeessor Wright, the 
Following Wednesday Afternoon 

“What’s your idea of a picnic,—eats and ants? 
Sit on a stump an’ listen to the grass 
grow?” 

ACT III Kirkwood Glen, Saturday Afternoon (in 
Two Scenes) 

“He is Monarch of all he surveys; 

His right there is none to dispute; 

From the top clean down to the ground 
He is Lord of the stump and the root!” 


(This page is suggested for use on your printed programs, in 
connection, of course, with The People of the Rhapsody.) 


5 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 
ACT I 

The Livingroom of the Grindem Home, 

One Saturday Morning in May 

{The big Livingroom of the Grindem Home, one Sat¬ 
urday morning in May. Doors open on either side ; on 
the left, into the hall; on the right, into Professor Grind- 
ends study. At the back {center), a high, uncurtained 
French window, door-like in its dimensions, which opens, 
door-like, from the inside. Beyond the French window, 
trees and shrubbery. Mrs. Grindem, in a natty morning 
gingham, is dusting the apartment.) 

{Enter Mary {from left) carrying an armload of 
bedlinen, and a big waste paper basket.) 

Mary Perfesser Wright wants to see you, Mrs. 
Grindem. ' {Sees a fly, puts down the linen and the bas¬ 
ket, seizes a szveater, and goes after it.) I declare the 
flies is somepin terribul! An’ it’s early for ’em, too! 
{Swats one violently.) There, I got him ! 

Mrs. Grindem I should think you did! Where is Pro¬ 
fessor Wright ? 

Mary {pursuing a fly) He’s a-standin’ in the hall. 
He jes’ come. He says {a violent blozv) ’at he won’t 
keep you {a blow) but a minute. There’s another fly 
gone! {Sights another one.) Seems like it’s too soon 
{a blow) to put the screens up {a blozv) an’ yet I dunno. 
When the flies come early, it’s better {a blow) to put ’em 
up early. {Goes at the work with enthusiasm.) 

Mrs. Grindem {hastily putting things to rights) All 
right. ... Be careful of that vase! Let the fly go! . . . 
There, I knew you’d hit something! Pick up the pieces. 
{Abashed, Mary gathers the bits into her apron.) Never 
mind, never mind. You didn’t mean to do it. Now cut 
up stairs, and put on a clean apron. {Mary takes up the 
linen and the basket, and goes {to right), much crest¬ 
fallen. Mrs. Grindem surveys the room with a half¬ 
smile, and steps to the curtained door to the left.) Good 
morning, Professor Wright. 


6 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


(Enter Professor Markham Wright (from left), 
slender and wistful. He has a field glass slung over 
his shoulder by a strap, and carries his hat, his gloves 
and some books. He looks The Young Intellectual 
to the extreme.) 

Mrs. Grindem (extending her hand) I am- glad to 
see you. The Freshmen were here last night. That ac¬ 
counts for this room. 

Wright (gripping her hand hard from nervousness) 
I ought not to intrude upon you so early in the morning. 

Mrs. Grindem (seating herself, smiling and casual) 
One can hardly call ten o’clock “early in the morning’' 
on such a day as this. I am happy to see you. 

Wright (seating himself) You are very kind. I came 
to—er consult you about a little matter (A book slips 
to the floor; gravely f he recovers it, and two others slip 
to the floor.) in which I am—er rather interested. That 
is, I might say, in which I am er—profoundly interested. 
I hoped you might advise me. I mean I thought if you 
would care to tell me— (A book slips to the floor, then 
his hat.) 

Mrs. Grindem I shall be very glad if I can help you. 

Wright (fussing with his belongings) It is a very 
delicate matter. I hardly know how to—er approach the 
subject ... I am at a loss, I should say, precisely how 
to proceed. (He looks up desperately.) It is very hard 
to be a man. 

Mrs. Grindem (soothingly) I am sure it must be. 

Wright I do not mean that I would prefer not to be 
a man. (His hat falls again.) 

Mrs. Grindem (soothingly) I am sure you do not 
mean it. 

Wright You mean you are sure I do not mean I would 
not prefer to be a man? 

Mrs. Grindem (smiling) I mean I am sure you mean 
that you would not prefer to be a woman. 

Wright (crossing his hands over the books, now safe¬ 
ly stacked in his lap) It is very complicated. That is. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


7 


it is not so complicated, but it seems complicated. No 
man would want to be a man who could be a woman. 
No, that is not what I mean. I intended to say that no 
man would want to be a woman who could be a man. 
How strange that sounds! (He hitches the strap over 
his shoulder uneasily,—a habitual motion ivith him—and 
the pile of hooks topples over.) I think that can not be 
the way I mean that. What I am trying to say is (he is 
piling the hooks again as he speaks) no man would prefer 
to be a woman simply because it is very difficult to be a 
man. I trust I make myself perfectly clear, Mrs. 
Grindem ? 

Mrs. Grindem (gravely) I understand precisely what 
you mean, Professor. 

Wright (crossing his hands over the hooks) Thank 
you. I am glad you do. I would not have you labor 
under a false impression as to my—er meaning in a mat¬ 
ter of—er real importance. But I must not detain you. 
I want to ask,—that is, I deem it advisable to tell you— 
to make a clean breast of it— 

Mrs. Grindem Yes? 

Wright I have intended to tell you for some time. It 
is my thought that you—er a woman, I mean, can be of 
great assistance,—that is, that a woman’s judgment in 
such a case might—Oh, this is very difficult! It is worse 
than I thought! 

Mrs. Grindem I am sorry. Are you in trouble? 

Wright (eagerly) Yes, yes, that is it! Or no, I mean 
no, no indeed! One can not call it trouble; at least, not 
yet. (He gets up, looking around as if fearful of getting 
stabbed in the hack.) One never knows. One never 
knows. (He sits down completely, like lead.) Mrs. 
Grindem, I have come to a crisis in my life. I think I 
may call it that without exaggeration, without—er ex¬ 
tenuation. (He looks at her miserably.) 

Mrs. Grindem (rising) Pardon me. It is very warm 
in here. (She steps to the French window, and swings it 
wide open.) What a perfect morning, so quiet and retro¬ 
spective, you know, as if it were thinking of the Past. 


8 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


(Stands looking out, to give Wright time to get command 
of himself.) The blue birds have come back to us. We 
were afraid they would not. You know blue birds mean 
happiness. 

Wright (looking at her miserably, his hands crossed 
over the books) I confess to a great partiality for blue 
jays—I mean blue birds. Certainly, blue jays. 

Mrs. Grindem (at the window) Blue birds and May 
time! How hard it is not to quote poetry on a beautiful 
Spring morning! I am afraid I am not strong-minded 
enough to resist! And then, the sooner one quotes some¬ 
thing, and gets it done, the better. (She turns, smiling) 
Don’t you think so? 

Wright (miserably) No doubt it is better, Mrs. 
Grindem, to—to get it out of one’s system as soon as 
possible. 

Mrs. Grindem (looking dreamily out on the shrub¬ 
bery) Let me see, let me see. Browning is hardly gentle 
enough for May time. Oh, there’s Tennyson! “In 
the Spring a livelier iris comes upon the burnished dove; 
In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to 
thoughts of love.” (Wright leans forward , his neck 
craned, gazing at her in an agony.) But that isn’t the 
dearest part! (as if forgetting her guest, she goes on, her 
eyes on the sky beyond) “Love took up the Harp of 
Life, and smote on all the cords with might; Smote the 
cord of self that, trembling, passed in music out of sight.” 

Wright (jumping to his feet , the books tumbling every 
zvhich way) I beg you to refrain ! I implore you to de¬ 
sist! Every word is like a dagger in my heart! (Fum¬ 
ing, she looks at him startled.) Oh, don’t you under¬ 
stand ? The poetry is me! The poetry is me! 

Mrs. Grindem The—poetry—is—you . . . The poetry 
is You . . . Professor Wright, do you mean to say you 
are in love? 

Wright (standing in front of her, holding his head 
with both hands) I c—came to tell you. (She gazes at 
him in consternation.) Oh Lord! 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


9 


Mrs. Grindem ( recovering herself) I think it is love¬ 
ly ! And you are confiding in me! I feel very much 
honored. 

Wright ( holding iiis head) Oh Lord! 

Airs. Grindem ( gravely, with bitten lip) Try to calm 
yourself, and tell me about it. Or don’t you wish to ? 

Wright (taking a few high, uncertain steps, as if he 
were trying out some new legs) I find myself unable to 
tell you, Mrs. Grindem. I am a broken man. 

Mrs. Grindem ( re-seating herself) Oh, I hope not. 
I hope not. 

Wright ( high-stepping around, trying out the new 
legs) I am a broken man; I do not sleep; I do not eat; 
I can not work; I can not bear moonlight; I can not hear 
music; when I am in the society of others I can not ex¬ 
press myself clearly ; I grope for words like a blind man; 
I stammer and repeat myself like a—a anthem! I court 
solicitude; I walk in lonely places, and think and think 
and think—my head is worse than a Chautauqua! 

Mrs. Grindem (stooping to pick a thread from the 
carpet, to hide her smile of amusement that must be 
smiled) But try to remember how many men have lived 
through it. There must be something to tie to. ( He 
high-steps around as one in a nightmare.) There is al¬ 
ways help somewhere. 

Wright I am convinced of the truth of that statement 
in an abstract way. Practically, I am unable to find it. 
I do not know what to do next. I am in love. I have 
admitted the fact to myself. It is—er accomplished, as 
one might say. But I am in doubt as to the next logical 
step. Mrs. Grindem, you see before you one miserable 
man! 

Mrs. Grindem (cheerfully ) Sit down, and let us talk 
about it calmly. ( He drops like pure lead into a big chair 
that almost swallozvs him whole.) Now, first, pardon me, 
but does the young lady love you? 

Wright I don’t know. I shall die if I don’t know, and 
I don’t know how to know. I say it calmly, Mrs. Grind- 


10 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


em, flesh and blood can not endure what I have been 
through this Spring. 

Mrs. Grindem ( slowly , speculatively) You poor man, 
I presume that is a fact. ( After a .brief meditation, her 
fate lightens.) Does she know you love her? 

Wright (fervently) Heaven forbid! 

Mrs. Grindem I don’t see why. You’ll have to know 
where you stand; you can not go on this way indefinitely. 

Wright (squirming in the big chair) I can not. I 
will be a dead man in no time. 

Mrs. Grindem Why don’t you ask her? 

Wright I can not. In her presence I am paralyzed. 
I am incapable of thought, of speech; things swing be¬ 
fore my eyes like a merry-go-round ! It is horrible! 

Mrs. Grindem Of course, then, you can not help your¬ 
self . . . Why, how stupid I have been! You want me 
to find out, don’t you? 

Wright (clasping his hands) Oh, if you would! I 
find myself er—unable to cope with the—the situation. 
I am a broken man. (He buries his face in his hands.) 

Mrs. Grindem Now listen. All this is nonsense; you 
know. Love is a beautiful thing to have hold of one. 

Wright So I have been lead to believe by the poets. 
The philosophers are of the same opinion, but it has 
made mince-meat out of me. 

Mrs. Grindem Do I know the young lady? 

Wright You know her casually. That is, you know 
her as you know all the high school students — 

Mrs. Grindem (leans forward excitedly) She is one 
of your pupils ? 

Wright (groaning) She is. She’s a—a Senior. 

Mrs. Grindem (thoughtfully) Ah! . . . How hard it 
must be for you, to see her -every day in the classroom— 

Wright It has been the Devil’s own arrangement of 
things. Pardon me, Mrs. Grindem. I should not use 
such violent language in your presence. 

Mrs. Grindem But I agree with you. It surely has. 
So she is one of your own pupils! 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


11 


Wright That is the difficulty. My age, my position,— 
everything is against me. 

Mrs. Grindem Your age, Professor Wright! Your 
age ! Good Heavens, how old are you ? 

Wright I am twenty-six. 

Mrs. Grindem And you call that glorious fact against 
you? 


(Enter (from left) Mrs. William Morton, dressed 
for the street.) 

Mrs. Morton Martha, that rug woman—Oh, excuse 
me! I didn’t know you had company ! 

Wright (rising with expedition) Good morning, Mrs. 
Morton. I hope you are well. 

Mrs. Morton I am always well.—Wait till I knock on 
wood! If everybody was like me, as I tell Martha, there 
wouldn’t be any need of doctors. Why, I haven’t had a 
sick spell,—not what you call a right-down sick spell— 
for nineteen years. 

Wright (bowing) You are fortunate, Madam. 

Mrs. Grindem What rug woman are you talking 
about, Mother? 

Mrs. Morton (seating herself, whereup Wright seats 
himself) That rag-carpet woman. She’s here with the 
rugs. They’re all loose and twisty. She would show 
them to me. Poor soul, I suppose she’s done the best 
she can, but I wouldn’t take ’em, if I were you. You’d 
better see her. 

Wright (rising) By all means, Mrs. Grindem, see this 
woman. I have detained you too long already. 

Mrs. Grindem (rising) I will see the woman if you 
will wait until I come back. (She places her hand on his 
arm , speaking earnestly.) I very much want you to wait. 
... I very much want you to wait. 

Wright (with his own sudden, rare, radiant smile) I 
shall be only too glad to wait, Mrs. Grindem. Thank 
you. (Mrs. Grindem goes (to left), and Wright seats 
himself.) 


12 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Mrs. Morton (taking off her hat) I’ve been walking 
in Franklin Park this morning. It was so fine I said to 
Martha, “I just won’t stay in the house, so there!” The 
pansies are wonderful,—just like little faces. Are you 
fond of flowers, Professor? 

Wright (dismally ) I am. 

Mrs. Morton (smoothing the purple flowers on her 
hat) I think most men are really, but they are afraid to 
show it. Men have such queer ideas about being manly. 
Oh, that reminds me! I must tell Martha! A young 
man and his sweetheart were sitting on a bench, spoon¬ 
ing, right in the broad daylight! He said, “I don’t love 
you because you are beautiful, but because you are 
good.” And she was so homely! Heavens knows she 
ought to be good with a face like that! If there’s any¬ 
thing silly in the world it’s a young man in love. I guess 
he was about twenty-five,—twenty-five or six. 

Wright Yes, Madam. 

Mrs. Morton (taking up her black gloves, to straighten 
the fingers) He said that three times. I heard him. I 
kept walking by the bench, back and forth, you know, 
just to hear what they were saying. And he just gurgled 
about her eyes,—called ’em stars! I thought I’d faint! 
Of course, young men must fall in love ( Wright is all 
but weeping from sheer “nerves”), but I think during 
the first stages of the trouble they ought to be shut up, 
especially in the Spring, for the protection of sensible 
people. I honestly think so. Don’t you? 

Wright I am of the opinion, Madam, that you are ab¬ 
solutely right. 

(A step is heard on the porch, and Mame Hensell 
appears at the French window, and looks smilingly 
into the room. She is in bright tennis togs, and car¬ 
ries a racket.) 

Mame Good morning, Mrs. Morton. Good morning, 
Professor Wright. {Mrs. Morton smiles, looking over 
the glove she is “blowing” into shape , Wright rises, 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 13 

and stands, nervous and looking at the floor.) Is any¬ 
body home? 

Mrs. Morton If you mean John, he’s in Cincinnati. 
Martha’s home, though. And we are here. 

Marne (advancing into the room) And now I am 
here. ( Wright begins to pack his belongings as if to 
move on.) Are you going, Professor? Do not let me 
drive you away. 

Wright (like a parrot, not looking up) I am not go¬ 
ing. I will not let you drive me away. 

Mamc (giggling) If you’re not going, why don’t you 
sit down? 

Wright Will you not—er not—er be s —seated, also? 

Marne (plumping down on a stool) Thank you. ( A 
silence succeeds, in which Wright seats himself.). I think 
it will rain. 

Wright (after a pause, looking at the floor) I am of 
the opinion it will rain, Miss Hensell. 

Marne (solemnly) If it doesn’t rain it will be a long 
dry spell. 

Wright (after a pause) If it does not rain, it will be 
a long dry spell. 

Marne (solemnly) But the month has been very dry, 
so far. 

Wright (with a fleeting glance in her general direc¬ 
tion) The month has been very dry, so far. 

Mrs. Morton I’ve been out walking this morning, too. 
In Franklin Park, you know. I was just telling the Pro¬ 
fessor about some spoonies I saw there. He and I think 
they ought to be shut up. — Don’t we, Professor? 

Marne Was it so bad as that ? 

( Off-stage a step is heard, and a voice calling, 
“Thank you ! Good bye !” Then Bess Tapping steps 
to the French window, brisk and careless. She car¬ 
ries her hat, and looks as if she had hurried.) 

Bess (standing in the windozv) Hello, everybody! 
(Wright rises, and stands by his chair, having managed a 
bozv.) 


14 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Mame The late Miss Tapping! 

Bess (tossing her independent head) The early Miss 
Hensell! You’d better be thankful I’m here at all! I’d 
a heap rather gone riding with the Thompsons. No¬ 
body’s ready to do anything. It’s all up in the air. Is 
Professor home yet? 

Mrs. Morton He won’t be home for a week, maybe. 

Bess Well, there you are! Nobody knows where 
we’re to meet, or nothin’. And Galliger’s mixin’ every¬ 
body up on the time. He said we met at Babe’s house. 
But he never gets anything right. If you want to get a 
thing straight, never go to Galliger Gurdy! His mind’s 
like a ragbag! Ask him a question, and every thing 
tumbles out of the bag all at once!—Isn’t that so, Pro¬ 
fessor Wright? 

Wright (looking down) I had not been—er apprized 
of that peculiarity of Galliger’s—er mentality. I er—er 
I must say I find him most obliging. 

Bess (carelessly) Oh, he adores to do things ! ( She 
turns and looks to the right.) There’s Babe. ( Calls to 
someone approaching.) Hurry up, Babe! You’re late! 

(.Babe Woodward zvalks in a leisurely fashion to 
Bess's side. She wears a dimity dress , and a picture 
hat, and looks pretty enough to worship.) 

You’re a nice sort of a chairman, Babe Woodward! 
Do you know what time it is ? We’d better get to work. 
(She steps into the room.) 

Babe (advancing airily into the room) Is this the 
Committee on Arrangements? Good morning, Mrs. 
Morton. Good morning, Professor Wright. (Wright 
bozvs. His face is solemn and set, his eyes downcast.) 

Bess (flopping down into a chair) Gee, it’s a hot 
morning ! Summer’s plumped down on us all of a sud¬ 
den ! Give me the good old winter time!—Do sit down, 
Professor! It makes me nervous when folks are so 
polite! 

Marne Your good manners will never make anybody 
nervous! 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


15 


Bess I beg your pardon, Professor. I didn’t think 
how that sounded. But I like to see folks comfortable. 

Wright That is—er a dependable trait, Miss Tapping. 
I mean—er a commendable trait. A dependable trait, 
certainly. 

Bess I’m glad you think so. Goodness knows, the 
compliments I get are as few as hen’s teeth! (Mrs. Mor¬ 
ton giggles.) 

Wright I think I shall have t—to—t—tear myself 
away — 

Mrs. Morton Martha said she wanted to see you, and 
you promised her you’d wait. 

Wright But Mrs. Grindem will excuse me under the 
circumstances — 

Babe (smiling at Wright) And we want you, too, 
Professor. Would you mind meeting with us? Profes¬ 
sor Grindem won’t be home until next week, you see. 

Wright Why, er—er that is, I sould say just what is 
the—er the nature of the meeting? I should be p— 
pleased to do anything in my p—power— 

Babe (graciously) It js in your power to assist us 
very much, Professor. It is the Senior Committee on 
Arrangements— 

Wright (steadfastly looking down) Er—arrange¬ 
ments for what, Miss Woodward? 

Babe The Senior Picnic. 

Wright (blankly, with a gasp) The Senior Picnic? 

Marne (to Wright) Have you got time to meet now? 

Wright (looking around fearfully) Meet who? 

Bess (to Wright) If you can’t meet today, when can 
you meet? 

Wright Meet which? 

Marne (with a wicked giggle) Where do you advise 
us to have it ? 

Wright Have which? 

Bess You’ll have to decide things now that Professor 
isn’t here. What do you — 

Babe (patient and smiling) Hold on, Bess! You al¬ 
ways run off with the bait! I guess Professor does not 


16 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


understand. ( Wright gives her a fleeting glance, and col¬ 
lapses into the big chair.) Of course you can not answer 
right off pop gun questions like that. Nobody can. We 
are making arrangements for the Senior Picnic, to be 
held in Kirkwood Glen. ( Mame and Bess start to inter¬ 
fere.) That is, we think it will be held there. We are 
not sure yet. It will be held Saturday afternoon. Do 
you think you understand now ? 

Wright (meekly , murmuring) Saturday ... a picnic 
. . . you think in the afternoon — 

Babe ( patiently , siueetly) And as Professor Grindem 
isn’t there, we have to consult you — 

Voice off-stage It’s pickles to peaches he’s in love. 
When a man’s in love he’s exempt. ( Wright starts vio¬ 
lently. Mame zvatches him curiously.) 

Bess There’s Galliger now! 

(Galliger Gurdy and Millicent Cameron stroll up 
to the zsoindow, and stand, smiling, framed in it. He 
lozvers her pretty sunshade.) 

Mame ( tartly ) I thought you went home over Sun¬ 
day, Millie Cameron! ( Millie smiles, and shakes her 

head, not being a talky girl.) 

Galliger (in zvhite flannels, bare-headed, nonchalant, 
and carrying a spray of lilac blooms) Ladies, you re¬ 
fresh the eyes of a weary man. Professor Wright, your 
humble and obedient servant. To all, good morrow, as 
they used to say in Verona. 

Bess (scornfully) How do you know what they used 
to say in'Verona? 

Galliger I knew a man once who used to live there,— 
a Mr. Montague. 

Bess Did you, honest? 

Galliger Of course I did. You knew him yourself. 
Slender fellow, with dark hair. 

Bess Slender man, With dark hair . . . Montague. I 
don’t remember. What was his first name? 

Mame Bess, he’s kiddin’ you! He means Romeo and 
Juliet, you know. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


17 


Bess (disgustedly ) Oh, that’s Shakespeare! 

Galliger Romiet and Julio. Of course. Poor old 
Shakespeare, he helps make conversation the world 
around! ( He advances with Millie into the room .)— 
Mrs. Morton, overcome by the perfume of the lilacs, I 
did e’en swipe these as I came along. Will you accept 
them as a trifling tribute to your charms? 

Millie (sedately ) Good morning, Professor Wright. 
(She smiles at Mrs. Morton and nods. Wright rises 
stiffly , and bows , his possessions hugged to his breast 
as if thieves were abroad.) 

Mrs. Morton (taking the lilacs) Oh, Mr. Galliger, 
you make me feel young again! You do say such Val- 
entiney things! 

Galliger (reproachfully) “Young again?” 

Mr>. Morton If 1 were young again I hope I would 
not be as silly as those lovers I saw this morning in 
Franklin Park. He said, “I do not love you because you 
are beautiful, but because you are good!” 

Bess (turning from an aside conversation with Marne) 
I reckon she was so homely he couldn’t think of any¬ 
thing else to say. (Millie seats herself on the divan , Gal - 
liger standing near her , swinging her sunshade.) When 
he’s in love a fellow doesn’t care much what he says so 
it sounds well. 

Mrs. Morton But I don’t think it even sounded well. 
I must say it sounded mighty flat to me. But of course 
he thought he was saying something very fine. 

Galliger He wasn’t thinking at all. A man in love 
can’t think. (Wright gives him a scared glance, and sub¬ 
sides again.) 

Marne (to Galliger) I suppose you know! 

Galliger (largely) It would be folly for a man of my 
powers of observation to disclaim all knowledge of the 
subject, Miss Hensell. 

Babe I don’t think you can tell anything about love 
by just zvatching it. It is so different in different peo¬ 
ple. (She turns deferentially to Wright.) One has to 
have personal experience, don’t you think, Professor? 


18 Prof. Wright Falls in Love 

(Galliger watches Babe with covert, narrowed eyes from 
now on.) 

Wright (engulfed in embarrassment) I am not pre— 
pre—prepared to make a st—st—statement. 

Galliger ( eyeing Wright thoughtfully) Professor 
Wright is not so frank as I am. 

Babe ( coldly) You mean he is not so impudent. 

Galliger ( with a mocking bow) Your judgment is al¬ 
ways infallible. 

Wright ( desperately , looking at Babe) I am not pre— 
prepared to make a st—st—statement. 

Babe ( archly) Oh, Professor, don’t be so serious ! 

Mrs. Morton ( serenely butting in) Any way, that 
young man in the Park was old enough to know better. 

Galliger At just what age, Madam, is a man old 
enough to know better ? 

Mrs. Morton Better than what? 

Galliger Better than to fall in love, I suppose. 

Mrs. Morton Oh, I didn’t mean that ! A man never 
knows better than that. Besides, a man has a right to 
fall in love at any age. 

Galliger Ah, now we are getting down to brass tacks ! 

Mrs. Morton He kept raving about her eyes. That’s 
what I meant. He must have been twenty-five or twenty- 
six, at least. 

Galliger Horrors ! A pure antique! 

Marne ( looking reprovingly at Galliger) I don’t think 
that’s so awfully old. 

Bess ( looking up from scribbling in a notebook) In 
some men it is, and in some men it isn’t. 

Galliger ( studying Wright's downcast face) A man 
of twenty-five or twenty-six ought to know what sort of 
eyes he prefers if he’s ever going to know anything.—I 
think Professor Wright will agree with me. 

Wright Pardon me, I—er I was thinking of some¬ 
thing else — 

Bess ( shortly ) I should hope you were! What’s the 
use of talkin’ about love? When you’re in it you can’t 
talk about it, and when you’re out of it you don’t care. 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


19 


(She rises in a business-like zvay.) Who’s got that list 
of eats I made out? Nobody knows who’s to take what 
yet. We don’t even know where we’re going to have it! 
It’s half-past eleven this minute! (She steps to Millie’s 
side, zvho rises zvith a paper in her hand, and beckons 
Manic to join them.) It’s time somebody did something. 

Babe Has anybody engaged Mrs. Snitters yet? 

(Enter Mrs. Grindem , from left) 

Galliger (bent on mischief) Mrs. Grindem, your ar¬ 
rival is most opportune. Can you tell us just what de¬ 
gree of common sense a man of twenty-six should show 
when he’s in love? 

Mrs. Grindem (startled, gazing from one to the other) 
Why, I don’t know, I’m sure, Galliger. A man of twenty- 
six is too young to be wise and too old to be foolish, so 
I should think it might be a very fortunate age to be in 
love. 

Galliger (delighted to have started something) “Too 
young to be wise and too old to be foolish.” Then the 
love of middle-age is the only love that suffers from the 
possession of wisdom and folly? 

Mrs. Grindem (laughing) I didn’t say that! 

Bess (turning impatiently from the conference) Oh, 
Galliger, hush your nonsense! Get busy ! What does it 
matter? 

Galliger To the philosopher all things matter. I’ll 
pass the judgment on to Professor Wright. (He turns 
cheerfully to that miserable man, crumpled in the big 
chair.) How about it, Professor? Give us the advan¬ 
tage of your experience. Is it fortunate to be too young 
to be wise, and too old to be foolish? 

Wright (straggling to his feet) I must be—er—er 
g—going— 

Mrs. Grindem (honestly dismayed) Oh, Professor, 
please do not go! I want to talk with you. Suppose we 
go into Mr. Grindem’s study? I am sure you will all 
excuse us? (She starts to the door on the right.) 


20 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Babe (springing up) But, Mrs. Grindem, you are a 
member of our Committee! (She places a pleading hand 
on Mrs. Grindcm’s shoulder.) We must have you. 

Bess (turning to Wright) We hate awfully to ask 
you, but could you excuse Mrs. Grindem for a few min¬ 
utes ? 

Wright (helplessly watching Galliger picking up the 
things he — Wright—has dropped) I—I shall be—er 
most happy to— 

Millie (smiling) —most happy to excuse Mrs. Grind¬ 
em, Professor? 

Wright (gazing zvildly at Millie) I was about to—to 
say I would b—be most happy to oblige the—the young 
ladies, b—but—be more sorry to forego the pleasure of 
Mrs. Grindem’s society . . . (His voice quavers to si¬ 
lence.) 

Bess (flatly, scanning the poor man) Professor 
Wright, are you sick ? (They all gaze, point-blank, at 

Wright, zvho stands, his hat mashed to his breast , his 
head bent, his eyes dozvncast.) 

Mrs. Grindem I will meet with your Committee later. 
Come into the study, Professor. 

Wright (with an effort) Mrs. Grindem, will you ex¬ 
cuse me ? I have forgotten something; I mean I have 
remembered something I thought I had forgotten: that 
is, I had forgotten something I should have remembered 
. . . (He looks up, one scared instant, and catches Babe’s 
eyes, gravely regarding him.) I mean I had forgotten to 
remember it until this instant—just this instant— (He 
bozvs blindly, and walks toward the door (to left), step¬ 
ping like an automaton.) I bid you all a happy good 
evening. (He goes. ) 

Mrs. Grindem (breaking the silence that succeeds 
Wright’s painful exit) Oh dear, oh dear! (She looks 
from one girl to the : other thoughtfully.) Excuse me. 
She hurries after Wright.) 

Mrs. Morton (gazing at the door of Wright’s exit) I 
am afraid that poor young man is ill. 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


21 


Bess (giggling ) Didn’t he look wild ! ( Millie looks 

at her quietly, then looks down.) 

Manic “Wild?” He looked crushed ! He’s mighty 
queer this Spring, anyway. Lots of times he forgets 
what he’s saying, and has to back up and start over. 

Bess And then he gets red, and stammers, and drops 
something! 

Babe 1 am sorry for him. ( Galliger gives her a keen , 
sarcastic look.) 

Mrs. Morton The poor young man!—Mr. Galliger, do 
you know, is there any insanity in his family? 

Galliger 1 don’t know what there is in his family, but 
I know there’s a lot of good sense in mine ! Having been 
reduced to the capacity of a cipher, I eliminate myself. 
(He goes, haughtily, via the French window.) 

'Bess (to Babe) There, you’ve made him mad! 

Millie (rising with sudden animation) Let’s make 
him behave ! Come on, we can meet at my house! 

Marne (to Mrs. Morton) Tell Mrs. Grindem we’ll see 
her this afternoon. Come on, girls! We got to catch 
him! (They troop after Galliger, a laughing bunch, 
through the French window.) 

Bess (off-stage, calling) Galliger, are you “mad”? 

Mrs. Morton (alone) There is something wrong with 
that poor young man. I wonder if there is insanity In 
his family? . . . Still, it may be his liver. (She takes up 
her hat and gloves, and, rising, sees Wright's glove on the 
floor. She picks it up, contemplating it sadly.) It’s 
probably his liver. 


(Curtain) 


22 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 
ACT II 


The: Classroom or Professor Wright, the 
Following Wednesday Afternoon 

{The Classroom of Professor Wright, the following 
Wednesday afternoon. Professor Wright, grave and 
busy, seated at his desk, correcting a pile of paper. At 
one side, an open windozv, showing shrubbery beyond; at 
the back ( center) an open door. After working a bit, he 
leans back, gazing out of the window, absent and dream¬ 
ing.) 


{Enter Miss Sophia Spaulding, in a thrilling sport 
suit. She pauses in the door, looking at Wright's 
back with sentimental affectation, then advances 
gracefully.) 

Miss Spaulding Ah, I caught you, Professor! 

Wright {starting) Eh ? 

Miss Spaulding {sinking with studied ease into the 
chair by the desk) I caught you this time! 

Wright I do not get your meaning, Miss Spaulding. 
t Miss Spaulding You were day-dreaming! I caught 
you. {archly) Castles in Spain, I presume. “In the 
Spring a young man’s fancy—” You know what the 
poet says. 

Wright {coldly) Yes, I have heard what the poet 
says. 

Miss Spaulding I see you are very much engaged, but 
you will pardon my intrusion, I know. 

Wright {coldly) Certainly, Miss Spaulding. No in¬ 
trusion, I assure you. What may I do for you? 

Miss Spaulding The Dramatic Club is giving an en¬ 
tertainment tomorrow evening at my house,—just a lit¬ 
tle informal affair, and we want you to come. {Seeing 
Wright about to refuse, she lifts a protesting hand). Now, 
don’t say No. Stop and count one hundred before you 
answer. Anything but No. Say you’ll think about it. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


23 


Wright (indifferently ) Really, Miss Spaulding, my 
engagements are such — 

Miss Spaulding (pouting prettily) Now, Professor, 
look me in the eye. Honestly, have you an engagement 
for tomorrow evening? 

Wright Not necessarily a social engagement, Miss 
Spaulding. A man always has his work to — 

Miss Spaulding (laughing ) — to fall back on! Oh, 
you men! You are much cleverer than women when it 
comes to making excuses! And you look so solemn all 
the while, and think you really mean it! Can’t you make 
an exception just once? Just once, Professor? We all 
want you so much ! 

Wright Since you force me to it, Miss Spaulding, I 
must definitely decline. You are very kind. I appreciate 
your thought in asking me. 

Miss Spaulding (rising ) I am sure you do. You look 
the part. (She laughs airily.) Anyway, I shall not des¬ 
pair. I am going to let you think it over ,and I’m going 
to ask you again tomorrow. Maybe I shall ask you two 
times ! Good bye! 

Wright (rising) Good bye, Miss Spaulding. 

Miss Spaulding (at the door) Now remember, you 
are thinking it over. You have not declined; you have 
simply asked time to consider. (She goes with a coquet¬ 
tish backward look—which he doesn't seel He resumes 
Jiis work.) 

(Enter Frank Sawyer , in haste.) 

Frank How much do you think that truckman ought 
to charge? 

Wright (looking up with a charming smile of com¬ 
radeship) I give it up, Frank. Begin at the beginning. 

Frank (seating himself on the edge of the desk) 
We’ve hired Harrison’s truck for the Senior Picnic, you 
see, and he wants twenty dollars for the afternoon. 

Wright (leaning back, at ease) Well, not being a Sen¬ 
ior Picnic, and never having hired a truck to take me 
anywhere, I am at a loss. Do you think it’s too much? 


24 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


Frank Last year they charged us only fifteen. 

Wright Same man? 

Frank Same man. 

Wright Same place? 

Frank Same place. 

Wright (grinning) Same truck? 

Frank Same truck. 

Wright What’s his idea? 

(Enter Galliger Gurdy and Dan Mitchell.) 

Frank Dan, how much did Harrison charge last year? 

Dan Fifteen plunks, and apologized for the price. 

Frank This year, twenty plunks, and no apology. 

Dan It’s a skin deal. I say use private cars. We can 
get ’em, easy. 

Galliger Mrs. Grindem says use the truck. 

Wright (laughing) “There is safety in numbers!” 
Isn’t there any other truck in town? 

Galliger That’s what I propose to find out. Come on, 
you fellows, let’s go down to Snell’s. 

Frank (springing down) I hadn’t thought of Snell’s. 

Dan Aw, I say, use private cars. 

Wright (quickly) No, Dan. Absolutely no. Mrs. 
Grindem’s advice on this item is valid. (The hoys start 
out.) 

Frank (turning at the door) Oh I say, Prof.! You’re 
coming to the picnic, of course? 

Wright I guess not, Frank. Mrs. Grindem will do 
the honors. 

Dan Yes, you are. Mrs. Grindem says so. (Wright 
shakes his head with an arch smile.) 

Frank Yes, Professor. Absolutely yes. “Mrs. Grind¬ 
em’s advice on this item is valid!” 

(The boys go, snickering. Wright looks down at 
his papers, dips his pen, looks around vaguely and 
slozvly, then throws down his pen, rises, takes several 
turns up and dozvn, and walks to the window. He 
stands, looking out.) 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


25 


Wright (at the window) “Love took up the glass of 
Time, and turned it in his glowing hands; Every mo¬ 
ment, lightly shaken, ran itself in golden sands.” (He 
turns his sad gaze to the student's benches, singling out 
one spot.) “Love took up the harp of life, and smote on 
all the cords with might; Smote the cord of self, that, 
trembling, passed in music out of sight.” 

(Millie Cameron steps lightly into the doorway.) 

Millie Pardon me, but has Marne Hensell been here? 

Wright Not that I—I—er am aware, Miss Cameron. 
(He looks around the room narrowly.) I do not see her 
anywhere. 

Millie (smiling demurely) Nor Babe Woodward? 

Wright (looking around as if to find Babe in hiding) 
I think not. That is, I would say, not t—to the b—best 
of my knowledge and belief, Miss Cameron. 

Millie Thank you. (She turns and walks away. 
Wright sits down at his desk and goes to work.) 

(Enter Babe Woodward and Bess Tapping, in haste.) 

Babe Has Millie Cameron been here? 

Bess (cutting in) Which do you think would be 
best — 

Babe (cutting in firmly) Wait till I explain — 

Bess There’s nothin’ to explain. You always take so 
much time explainin’. It’s just one or the other, so 
what’s the use of talkin’? He can decide in a jiffy. (To 
Wright, gazing from one to the other blankly) Do you 
think Kirkwood Glen is a nicer place than Mill Grove? 

Wright (blinking rapidly) In—er what regard, Miss 
T—Tapping? 

Babe There, I told you to let me explain! You 
oughtn’t to jump at people that way. It’s enough to give 
them the highstrikes !—Here is the case, Professor. Kirk¬ 
wood Glen is twelve miles, and Mill Grove is five. 
(Wright looks up earnestly, not hearing the words at all.) 
It isn’t a question of which is the prettier place, or which 
is the more desirable place, but which is the cheaper 


26 Prof. Wright Falls in Love 

place. I mean it costs more to get to the one than to the 
other — 

Bess And I say don’t spoil the picnic for the sake of a 
dollar. 

Wright {earnestly ) One dollar? 

Babe (with dignity) A dollar a piece, she means. The 
picnic will cost us four dollars each, as it is, and I say 
that is enough. It’s expensive enough to graduate with¬ 
out putting five dollars into a mere picnic. 

Wright Five dollars? 

Bess Five dollars a piece, she means. 

{Enter Mame Hensell, visibly excited.) 

Marne {going straight to the desk) I don’t think it 
matters whether we have music or not. There’s no plat¬ 
form out there, you know. Did Mrs. Grindem say we 
ought to have Mellen’s String Band? Fannie Farren 
says she told Jane Gossard we ought to have it. 

Bess Don’t listen to rumors. Listen to regular board¬ 
ers. Who cares what Fannie Farren thinks she heard 
somebody say ? 

Babe Mrs. Grindem doesn’t care a rap whether we 
have music or not. I say don’t have it. 

Bess {sitting down kerflop on one of the benches) 
And / say do! What’s your idea of a picnic,—ants and 
eats? Sit on a stump an’ listen to the grass grow? 
{Wright regards her solemnly.) 

Mame Oh, Bess, you’re a case! 

Bess Oh well, it makes me tired. All of a sudden 
Babe gets anxious about the expense! {to Babe.) What’s 
the matter with you? You didn’t used to be a stingy 
guy! _ 

Babe {in a superior manner) As Treasurer of the 
Senior Class it is my duty to keep expenses down.— 
Isn’t it, Professor? {Wright gazes at her remotely.) 
Isn’t it, Professor? 

Wright {recalling himself) I have — er lost the 
thread of the argument, Miss Woodward, but no doubt— 

Maine I think Babe is right. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


27 


Bess (consulting a paper she holds) Well, if we’re 
going the cheap way, we could cut Mrs. Snitters out. 

Mame Oh, poor soul, let her go! She never has any 
fun. 

Babe What’ll she charge? 

Bess Two dollars and her dinner. It’s worth that not 
to have to bother with things. You needn’t think I want 
to make the coffee! 

Mame I’m sure I don’t. Oh, I got a new recipe for 
fudge. (She digs around in her school satchel, and drops 
divers small trinkets.) It’s perfectly delicious! 

Wright (rising stiffly, and coming around to pick up 
the things) Permit me. 

Mame (making a dive) Heavens, my powder puff! 
Thank you. 

Bess (jumping up, grabbing the pozvder puff , and 
making a dive for Wright) Professor, let me doll you 
up! 

Wright (aghast, dodging noisily behind the desk) I 
—I—er I beg your pardon — 

Mame They do say that men are using powder almost 
as much as women. 

Bess (saucily, making a dab at Wright across the 
desk) Some men! 

Babe Bess, don’t be so silly!—You’ll have to decide, 
Professor. 

Wright Decide what? (Giggling, Bess powders her 
nose and Marne's, using a tiny mirror.) 

Babe Which place to have it. 

Wright (mopping his neck and hands) Have what? 

Babe (sweetly) The Senior Picnic. 

Wright Oh. How many places are there—er—er 
available? 

Bess We told you. Kirkwood Glen and Mill Grove. 

Babe Decide it off-hand. It’s a toss-up, anyway. 
Here, lend me a penny. 

Wright A penny. 


28 


Prof. IVright Palls in Love 


Babe (dimpling, for she is a tease ) Have you a 
penny? ( Bess gets the giggles, and has to retire to the 
window.) 

Wright I have a penny. ( Takes a coin from his pock¬ 
et.) Here is a penny. Do you want the penny? ( Marne 
grins across at Bess.) 

(Galliger steps into the doorzvay, and stands, 
watching Babe. Bess watches him.) 

Babe (taking the coin) Thank you, Professor. Now, 
heads, Kirkwood Glen; tails, Mill Grove.—Here, Pro¬ 
fessor, you toss it. 

Wright I beg to be confused — 

(Dan Mitchell comes to the door, brushes past 
Galliger, and comes into the room.) 

Dan We just phoned Snell, and he says — 

Babe Be still, Dan! We’re tossing for “location.” 
Heads, Mill Grove; tails, Kirkwood Glen. 

Bess (at the window) No; heads, Kirkwood Glen; 
tails, Mill Grove. 

Babe (tossing the coin) Tails!—Kirkwood Glen! 

Marne (indignantly) Tails was Mill Grove! 

Dan You’re a crazy bunch! 

Bess I don’t care, that isn’t right. It isn’t decided 
yet. Tails is Mill Grove. 

Dan Here, let me toss it. 

Babe No, that is a ridiculous way.—Professor, you 
decide. 

Wright (sinking into his chair like a man quite, 
quite spent) I could not—er presume,—I mean I think 
some—er logical receedure—I mean procedure should 
govern the choice. Certainly, the choice. 

Babe (to Wright) It would be lots nicer to have you 
decide. Please! 

Wright (looking distressfully from one girl to the 
other) I am not in—in possession of the arguments, for 
and against — 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


29 


Dan (snickering) There aren’t any arguments. Girls 
don’t use ’em. They use powder puffs! makes a 

dive for him with the puff.) 

Babe (sweetly ) Keep still, all of you, while Profes¬ 
sor decides . . . Please, Professor! 

Bess (at the window, Dan by her side) It’s a mean 
trick, making him decide when he doesn’t want to. 

Marne Yes, let him alone! 

Babe Please, Professor! 

Wright (looking down) Kirkwood Glen. 

(Galligcr, in the doorway, shrugs and walks away.) 

Dan The charm is broken! I breathe easier, “and the 
Government at Washington still lives!” (He and Bess 
and Mame smile understandingly, and Wright, looking 
up, catches them at it\) 

Bess (going toward the desk) You’ve helped us a 
lot. Professor! 

Babe We won’t bother you any more, honest! 

Dan Come on, girls, I got the car here. 

Bess Oh, take us to see Mrs. Snitters, will you, Dan? 

Dan Mrs. Snitters it is. (He goes out, whistling.) 

Bess (contritely, to Wright) You’re almost as nice 
as Professor. You’ve helped, us a lot. 

Wright (rising, solemn and nervous) It was a pleas¬ 
ure, I—I assure you. Er—that is, good afternoon, young 
ladies. (The girls nod , and start out , talking together.) 

Mame (as they reach the door) Mrs. Snitters is never 
at home on Wednesdays. 

Bess (the last to go out) I should worry! (Wright 
listens to their retreating steps and voices with an intent 
face. Then he falls into a sad-faced contemplation of the 
floor.) 

(Enter Mrs. Morton, with many packages.) 

Mrs. Morton Is this Professor Wright’s room? (Wright 
looks around.) Oh, here you are! Martha told me to 
stop on my way home, and bring you back to dinner. If 
you say No, I am not to pay any attention. 


30 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Wright (with his sudden smile) Thank you. Mrs. 
Grindem is very kind. 

Mrs. Morton (looking about the room) Is this where 
the scholars sit? It doesn’t look like the schoolrooms 
when I was a girl. And do you always sit there? 

Wright {standing by his desk, sifting papers into 
order) I usually stand when I lecture, Madam. 

Mrs. Morton {indicating a portrait on the wall) And 
who is the gentleman in the frame? 

Wright That is Charles Darwin. 

Mrs. Morton (gazing at Charles) Oh yes, I know. 
The Monkey Man! He looks sensible enough, doesn’t 
he? It’s curious what some men dig up out of their 
heads, but of course it takes all sort of people to make 
the world. I like the frame very much. That’s a pretty 
view through the window. When you get tired looking 
at the scholars you can look out the window . . . Well, 
are you ready ? Martha wants to see you the worst way. 

(Wright is turning from his desk, at ease and self- 
confident, when in walks Millie Cameron, dignified 
and sweet.) 

Wright (backing noisily against his desk—the noise 
being made by his jamming, into the desk chair—his hands 
groping backward blindly for support) The young ladies 
have been and—er just gone— 

Millie Well, I give it up! I have chased those girls 
all afternoon, from pillar to post! 

Wright (getting control of himself) Yes, Miss Cam¬ 
eron. They went to call on a Mrs. Snitters, I believe. 

Millie {with sudden dimplement) Mrs. Snitters! 

Mrs. Morton {taking Millie\s arm) Come, walk 
along with us, my dear. I’m taking Professor home to 
dinner with Martha and me.—Are you ready, Professor? 

Wright {not looking up) Yes, Mrs. Morton. I’ll get 
my hat and meet you in the main lobby. {He goes, quiet 
as a lamb.) 

Mrs. Morton {as they turn to the door) Martha is so 
worried about him. I think it’s his liver, myself. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


31 


Millie (smiling) I am glad Mrs. Grindem is so good 
to him. It’s rather lonesome to be a man. 

Mrs. Morton (as they step into the hall) Lord, child, 
it’s no lonesomer than to be a woman! 

(Curtain) 


ACT III (In Two Scenes) 

Kirkwood Geen, Saturday Afternoon 
Scene 1 

(Kirkwood Glen, Saturday afternoon. Woods in the 
background; a fezv tree stumps, and a tree at one side. 
Off-stage (to left), there is a shout, “Here we are\ 
Everybody out !” then much laughter and many mingled 
voices : “Whoa, back up\” “Ladies First \” “Catch this 
basket !” “Look out for the Eats \”—the confusion at¬ 
tendant on the arrival of a picnic.) 

(Enter (from left) Mrs. Snifters, with baskets and 
bags, attended by Galligcr Gurdy, with more bas¬ 
kets.) 

Mrs. Snifters (pausing to look around her) So this 
is Kirkwood Glen! I’ve heard a heap about this place. 

Galligcr (looking around largely) I have no doubt 
of that. ’Tis a spot far-famed in romance and story. 

Mrs. Snifters (looking afar) An’ look at them hills, 
a-settin’ in the sun! Aint they cosy? 

(Enter Marne Henscll and Bess Tapping (from 
left), carrying things.) 

Maine Where are we going to eat? 

Galligcr Sufferin’ Caesar, are you hungry already? 

Bess She didn’t say when ; she said where .—Mrs. 
Snitters, for goodness sakes, put some of those things 
down until we decide. You’ll be dead. (Off-stage, joy - 


32 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


ous laughter and the babble of many voices.) It must be 
a big, smooth space; this is too stumpy. 

Mrs. Snitters (gazing afar, enrapt) Look at them 
hills, a-settin’ in the sun! 

Galliger (looking ) It’s a fine brace of hills. They 
sure are enjoying themselves.—There’s a good place over 
yonder, Bess. ( indicates to right) Spacious, elevated, 
smooth, clear,—meets all requirements, I should say. 

Bess (to Marne) Let’s look at that place. (To Mrs. 
Snitters) Please wait. Sit down somewhere,—there, on 
that stump. (The girls go out, to right.) 

Mrs. Snitters (seating herself on low stump) Ain’t 
there no tables here ? 

Galliger Madam, this is the forest primeval. Think 
of a table, a common article of domestic use, made in a 
steaming factory somewhere,—just a plain, everyday 
table, with four legs, one on each corner, in this vast soli¬ 
tude !—under these trees, Madam; trees that saw crea¬ 
tions dawn, and sang together with the morning stars! 
You might as well hang a lavelier on the bosom of those 
eternal hills! 

Mrs. Snitters (much impressed) That’s so. 

(Re-enter Bess, from right.) 

Bess (taking up baskets and things) That’s a dandy 
place for the spread. Let’s take these things right over. 
—Mrs. Snitters, can you make coffee on an open fire? 

Mrs. Snitters (taking up things zvith the air of a Gen¬ 
eral) I ain’t never, but I ain’t too old to learn. (She t 
and Bess go, to right.) 

Galliger (taking up things with the air of a General) 
“The Spirit of Seventy-Six!” (He follozvs, zvith bas¬ 
kets, to right.) 

(Enter (from left) Mrs. Grindem, Mrs. Morton, 
Miss Spaulding and Dan Mitchell. Dan carries some 
bright szveatcrs belonging to the ladies, and a maga¬ 
zine or tzvo.) 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


33 


Mrs. Morton (with a fczv zvild flowers) I never get 
tired of the woods. When I was a little girl I was al¬ 
ways running off to the woods. Many’s the good sound 
spankin’ I’ve got for runnin’ off. Where is that old 
windmill I’ve heard so much about? They say a real 
Holland man built it, and it’s just like the windmills on 
the blue plates.—I say where is that old windmill, Mr. 
Dan? 

Dan (who has been talking aside with Mrs. Grindem) 
Oh, pardon me, Mrs. Morton. It’s about a mile from 
here, over that way. 

Mrs. Morion (looking very heroic) I’m going to see 
that windmill if I never see another thing! Just fancy, 
some fat old Holland man sitting up in the air building 
it, while the Indians were howling around, waiting to 
scalp him! 

Dan (with a dawning grin) Why a fat old Holland 
man? 

Mrs. Morton I never heard of a thin old Holland man, 
did you? They always have big stomachs with belts 
that go all the way ’round, and long pipes that rest on 
their stomachs. And they always call the picture, “A 
Flemish Interior.” 

Dan (with an unholy howl) “A Flemish Interior!” 
That’s good enough to save up for Professor Grindem! 
Where’s Galliger? He’s missin’ something! Whoopee! 
“A Flemish Interior!” Let’s get up a gang, and go see 
the blue-plate windmill. Come on, we’ll invite the crowd 
to join us. * (to Mrs. Grindem) Do you wish to go? 

Mrs. Grindem Thank you, Dan, I believe not. (She 
looks to the right.) I’ll join the Commissary.—Mother, 
do not walk too far. (She goes, to right.) 

Mrs. Morton Martha is always afraid I’ll get too 
tired. She forgets that I was a country girl. I used to* 
get up at five o’clock in the morning and milk six cows 
before breakfast. That’s why we old folks have such 
fine constitutions, (turns to Dan.) Life meant some¬ 
thing when I was young. 

Dan (meekly) Yes, Madam. 


34 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Miss Spaulding I think I’ll camp right here. ( holds 
up the book she carries ) The heroine was just sailing for 
Africa to hunt Big Game when I left her. 

Dan Let us hope a rhineroseris will eat her in the 
ninety-first chapter! I am sorry he can’t eat her sev¬ 
eral times!—Come, Mrs. Morton, we’ll recruit for volun¬ 
teers. {He and Mrs. Morton go, to left.) 

{Miss Spaulding spreads a newspaper at the base 
of the tree, arranges herself thereupon with finnicky 
care, then settles herself to read.) 

{Enter Professor Wright, with books, his field 
glass slung over his shoulder. Seeing Miss Spauld¬ 
ing he stops and would escape—but she sees him 
first !) 

Miss Spaulding Ah, I was wondering where you were. 

Wright Yes, Miss Spaulding. 

Miss Spaulding I presume you’ve been wandering 
through the woods, communing with nature. Isn’t it a 
delightful day, so mild and sunny. 

Wright Delightful indeed, Miss Spaulding. 

Miss Spaulding {pensively) “There is a pleasure in 
the pathless wood, there is a rapture on the lonely shore; 
There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea and 
the music in its roar.” Are you fond of nature, Pro¬ 
fessor 

Wright I think everybody is, Miss Spaulding. I do 
not lay claim to any abnormal love for nature. 

Miss Spaulding {with a deep sigh) That' is because 
you are too modest. I know that such a mind as yours 
is bound to find solace in the silences of nature. You see 
I know you better than you know yourself. 

Wright {gazing at the hills) Yes, Miss Spaulding. 

Miss Spaulding {with a languishing glance) You 
are too modest for a world like this one, but one could 
not wish for less nobility of soul. Modesty is so rare a 
quality nowadays that one could not wish you otherwise. 

Wright {looking sternly at the hills) Yes, Miss 
Spaulding. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


35 


{Enter (from right) several hare-headed Flap¬ 
pers, pe lime 11.) 

First Flapper Miss Spaulding, we’re going down the 
road for cream, and Mrs. Grindem said for you to go 
with us. 

Miss Spaulding Ice cream? 

First Flapper No, no, real cream. 

Second Flapper Cozv cream. And maybe we’ll see a 
real cow. 

Third Flapper I’ve never seen a cow. 

Second Flapper {To Third Flapper, in zvide-eyed as¬ 
tonishment) Honest, Kid, haven’t you ever seen a cow? 

First Flapper We’ve got to buy some at the farm. 
Babe Woodward forgot it. For the coffee, you know. It 
isn’t far but you know how particular Mrs. Grindem is. 

Miss Spaulding {rising gracefully) Mrs. Grindem is 
quite right. Of course I’ll go.—Won’t you come, Pro¬ 
fessor Wright? 

Second Flapper Come on, Professor. I’ll bet it’s a 
long time since you’ve seen a cow. 

Wright {removing his gaze from the hills a brief in¬ 
stant) I do not know why I should see a cow. I am not 
particularly fond of cows. {The Flappers laugh lightly.) 

Miss Spaulding {laughing) Then you do not wish to 
see a cow! Please watch my book for me. We won’t 
be long. x 

Second Flapper {to Third Flapper, as they go out) 
Honest, Kid, didn’t you ever see a cow? 

{Miss Spaulding and the Flappers go out {to left), 
their arms entzmned, school-girl fashion.) 

{Wright looks around furtively,'then sits down on 
a stump rather too high for his comfort, and surely 
too high for his dignity ! He takes the glass from its 
case, soberly adjusts the focus, and studies the 
hills, “a-settin ’ in the sun.” Off-stage, from left and 
right, come bursts of laughter.) 


36 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


{Enter {from left) Millicent Cameron , sweet and 
serene, the word “refined” fitting her like a well- 
made garment.) 

Millie {with a slight inclination of her head) Pro¬ 
fessor W right! 

Wright {looking out from behind the glass) Eh? 
Oh, good evening, Miss C—Cameron. I am looking at 
the view. 

Millie {looking at the hills) The hills are beautiful 
today. Some people call them “blue”; I would call that 
purple, wouldn’t you? 

Wright {looking afar, being afraid to look at her) I 
am of your opinion that the color is p—purple, Miss 
Cameron. Would you like—er I mean may I offer you 
the glass? {Without looking at her, he hands it to her.) 

Millie {using the glass) It is blue when you look at 
it this way . . . And there are sheep in the valley! . . . 
I did not know there were so many vineyards. 

Wright {looking straight ahead) Yes, it is a g—great 
g—g—grape country. 

Millie And so many little fields, like patches in a 
quilt! {hands him the glass) Thank you. I promised 
Bess I’d spread the sandwiches. {With the slightest in¬ 
clination of the head, she goes to right.) 

{Wright does not look after her; just lifts the 
glass and goes on looking at “the view.”) 

{Enter {from left) 71 he Itinerant Photograph 
Man , with tripod and grimy camera. He is a seedy 
individual, but hopeful.) 

Photograph Man {setting his camera in position) 
Take your picture, Sir? Only a minute, and the deed is 
done. First-class tintypes, three for a quarter. Guaran¬ 
teed in every partic’lar. 

Wright No, I thank you. 

Photograph Man You have a fine profile, Sir. Ex¬ 
cuse my frankness, but I was struck by it the minute 1 
clapped eyes on you. You would make a fine picture jes’ 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


37 


as you set there, Sir. “Literary Man Contemplating the 
Beauties of Nature.” 

Wright {angrily ) Will you kindly go about your 
business? ( The Photograph Man lifts his brows, shrugs, 
and limps out, to right. Wright returns to (< the view.”) 

{Enter Babe and Frank {from right ) eating choc¬ 
olates.) 

Babe Why, Professor, have they left you all alone? 

Wright I am—er enjoying myself immensely. 

Frank A fellow’s safe when lie’s with himself, hey, 
Prof.? Have a chocolate. ( Wright takes one.) Come 
on. We’re going to the Robbers’ Cave. 

Babe Oh do come, Professor ! 

Wright {primly erect on the stump too high for him !) 
Thank you, I am—er very comfortable here. {Babe 
studies him wistfully.) It is a very fine view off there. 

Frank {carelessly, bolting a chocolate) Finest ever. 
“Folded hills.” Who is it always talking about “folded 
hills”? 

Babe Mrs. Browning. 

Frank {bolting a chocolate) Aw, go ’way! I don’t 
know nothin’ about Mrs. Browning! 

Babe The more’s the pity. I just love “Aurora 
Leigh.”—Professor, won’t you come with us? 

Wright {sedately eating a chocolate) Thank you, 
Miss Woodward, I—er am better off here. 

Frank “He is monarch of all he surveys; His right 
there is none to dispute; From the top clean down to the 
ground He is lord of the stump and the root!” Well, so 
long! {They go {to left) Babe looking back regretfully 
at Wright, doggedly looking at <( the view.”) 

{Re-enter {from right) Galliger , dragging a ham¬ 
mock. He looks far from happy.) 

Wright {smiling remotely) What are you looking 
for, Galliger? 

Galliger Some place to hang this darn hammock. 
What are you looking for? 


38 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Wright (gently ) For “the light that never was on 
land or sea,” I guess, Galliger 

Galligcr (after a pause) Kirkwood Glen’s an un¬ 
likely place for that light, Sir. 

Wright (sadly) It’s as likely as any other place, my 
boy, since that light will shine where it will shine. 

Galliger (looking at the hills) You sound like Ham¬ 
let. 

Wright (looking sadly at the hills) Did Hamlet say 
anything like that? 

Galliger (looking at the hills, sadly , too) He said, 
“Seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it 
will come.” 

Wright (looking at Galliger) Are you fond of Ham¬ 
let ? 

Galligcr Yes, but nobody else is, so what’s the use? 
(Wright looks at him wistfully, then at the hills. There 
is a pause.) . . . Well, I’ll keep goin’. (He trails out (to 
left) desolately enough. Wright looks after him with sad 
affection, then opens a book to read.) 

(Re-enter Mrs. Grindem (from right) bare-head¬ 
ed, and wearing a tiny apron, mostly ribbons.) 

Mrs. Grindem (studying the studious figure on the 
high stump a fezv seconds before she speaks) Miss 
Spaulding told me you were here. 

Wright (looking up from his book) Yes, I am here. 

Mrs. Grindem (seating herself on the low stump) It 
is astonishing the amount of food those children have 
collected ! I hope you are very, very hungry! 1 

Wright ( dismally) Oh, I am—excessively hungry! 

Mrs. Grindem (bound to be cheerful) Mrs. Snitters 
has made a fire big enough to roast an ox! (Off-stage 
there is a merry shout of laughter, then another.) What 
a lovely light there is on the hills! 

Wright (as another peal of laughter reaches them) 
They are having a nice time out there. (A series of rip¬ 
pling laughter from some light-hearted girl, off-stage.) 
This is no place for me. I should not be here. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


39 


Mrs. Grind cm You may laugh like that tomorrow. 

Wright (looking afar sternly) I shall never laugh 
again. 

(A Flapper, shrieking with laughter, and holding 
high a box of candy, dashes across stage, from left 
to right. She is followed by several boys and girls 
crying, “Stop thief ! Stop thief l”) 

I am out of place here. I told you I would be out of 
place if I came. I am too old for this sort of thing. 

(Re-enter Bess (from right) looking very much 
zvorried.) 

Bess Mrs. Grindem, do you mind coming here a min¬ 
ute? 

Mrs. Grindem (rising) Trouble in the Commissary 
Department!—Yes, Bessie, (to Wright) I’ll be back in 
a minute. (She goes out, szuinging along holding Bess’s 
hand, to right.) 

(Re-enter (from right) The Three Flappers, with 
The Photograph Man. They arc giggling , immensely 
tickled with the plan afoot.) 

First Flapper We have thought of such a lovely 
scheme! (To the delighted Photograph Man.) Get 
ready! 

Wright (scared) Er—may I inquire— 

Second Flapper No, don’t inquire. Just be good. 
Come on, girls! (They range themselves behind Wright, 
zvho turns to glare at them. He is too much upset to 
make verbal protest.) Are you ready, Mr. Photograph 
Man ? 

Wright (getting off the stump) I beg to be excused. 
(He starts out.) 

Third Flapper (running after him) Now, Professor, 
we got you! Please! It’s such a lark! Please sit on 
the stump! (Wright glares at her speechless.) Ah, 
please sit on the stump! 


40 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


first and Second Flappers (in giggly chorus) Please 
sit on the stump! 

Third Flapper (kneeling, with raised hands) Please 
oblige me by sitting on the stump ! 

Second Flapper Let’s put him on the stump! 

Third Flapper (springing up) Let’s ! 

Wright (hastily seating himself on the stump) Physi¬ 
cal violence will hardly be necessary. 

Second Flapper (waving frantically to The Photo¬ 
graph Man) Hurry up, you! 

Photograph Man (seriously) Stand closer together, 
young ladies ! Hold up your heads ! 

Second Flapper We look like Three-little-pigs-went- 
to-market! It’s silly ! Wait! (She seats herself at the 
feet of the agonized man, demurely looking up at him.) 
Now, shoot the shoots! (The girls giggle and giggle. 
Wright folds his arms and glares straight in front of 
him.) 

Photograph Man (anxious to please) Young ladies, 
you must be more quiet! Now, steady everybody! The 
young lady sitting lifts her head a bit. That’s right! 
Steady now! (The girls assume sentimental expressions 
and attitudes.) That’s all! 

Second Flapper (springing up) Come on, let’s watch 
him make them!—Thank you, Professor! We’ll give 
you one. (They cluster around the happy Photograph 
Man, and go out with him (to right) all talking at once; 
u How long will it take”? (( Do you think they’ll be 
good”?) 

(Enter (from left) a Man carrying two ice cream 
freezers.) 

Man (surveying Wright, almost in a state of collapse) 
Is this ’ere the picnic? 

Wright (gravely) This is a picnic. 

Man Is this the high school bunch, I mean,—their 
picnic? 

Wright (sadly) Yes, my man, it is their picnic. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


41 


Man I’ve lugged this ice cream jes’ as far as I’m 
goin’ ter. ( Puts the freezers down.) There they be. 
You tell ’em. 

Wright (wearily) What shall I tell them, my man? 

Man (grinning ) Tell ’em there they be. ( He turns, 
and goes to left, whistling loudly. Wright takes up his 
glass, to return to “the view.”) 

(Re-enter Mrs. Snitters (from right), with her 
apron f ull of sticks.) 

Mrs. Snitters Purrfesser, air you havin’ a nice time? 

Wright A fine time, Mrs. Snitters, thank you. 

Mrs. Snitters I am a-gettin’ fire wood. Air you 
hungry ? 

Wright I shall be hungry by supper time, I dare say. 

Mrs. Snitters If Sam Snitters wasn’t so lazy I’d send 
him out here for some kindlin’. (She passes to left.) 

(Re-enter Bess Tapping (from right) holding up 
her hand.) 

Bess Something is always happening to me! 

Wright (lowering his glass as a man doomed to inter¬ 
ruption) What is the—er disturbance, Miss Tapping? 

Bess Cut my finger opening a can of salmon. I’ve 
been working like a dog all the time, and now to have 
this happen to me! Look! (She goes to him, and holds 
up her hand.) Have you any dioxogen? 

Wright You mean—er with me? 

Bess (impatiently) Of course, of course! We’ve all 
got plenty at home! 

Wright (hastily searching his pockets) I do not seem 
to have any about my—er clothes. You see I do not 
make a habit of carrying—er disinfectants. 

Bess What shall I do? Blood-poisoning sets in right 
off, doesn’t it? Will I die before night? People swell 
up and get all black, don’t they? I think it’s beginning 
to swell now. How soon do you know whether you’re 
going to die or not? 


42 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


Wright (with the ghost of a grin, getting off the 
stump) Have you any string? 

Bess I haven’t got nothin’ but a notion to go home. 

Wright (tearing his handkerchief into little strips) 
I wouldn’t do that. I will tie it up for you if you will— 
er permit me. 

Bess I should say I would. Do you think I want to 
die in my tracks ? It ought to be washed first, oughtn’t 
it? (calls, to right) Millie, bring some water quick!— 
It hasn’t turned black yet. 

Wright Did you cut it with the opener or on the can? 

Bess I don’t see that it matters. When I’m dead I 
won’t care how I did it. Is blood-poisoning a hard 
death ? 

(Re-enter (from right) Millie Cameron, with a 
bucket of water and a cup.) 

We didn’t want a bucket of water. It’s just my finger. 

Millie Oh, pardon me. I thought you wanted a drink. 
This is spring water.—Oh, Bess, what is it? (examines 
the hurt finger.) 

Bess Nearly cut my finger off, that’s all. (Wright 
stands by, looking down, while Millie bathes the finger.) 
Professor’s going to tie it up. Well, the ice cream’s 
come, any way. 

Millie (to Wright) I think it will be all right, don’t 
you? 

Wright (not looking up) I am of th—er opinion that 
nothing serious will—er eventuate, Miss C—Cameron. 
(Millie smiles at Bess, glances at Wright as if to say 
something more, takes up the bucket and goes (to right). 
Wright binds up the wound gently and deftly.) 

Bess Ouch, that’s too tight! Stop the circulation 
then I will be dead! 

(Re-enter Galligcr.) 

GaUigcr (with a genial grin) First Aid to the Near 
Injured! We have a heavy casuality list this afternoon. 
Miss Spaulding has lost an earring, and Fannie Farren 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


43 


has sprained her ankle.—May I inquire, Miss Tapping, 
the precise nature of your disability ? 

Bess (watching Wright tie up the little strings) If it 
were your finger you wouldn’t be so funny! 

Galliger If it were my finger I’d be funnier—if possi¬ 
ble. There is no disguise like humor. 

Bess (tartly ) Then I suppose you think you’re clear 
out of sight!—Thank you, Professor! ( She goes {to 
right) with her head up.) 

Galliger “The retort sarcastic!” The lady is just plain 
“mad !” (He goes after her.) 

{Re-enter (from left) Mrs. Snitters.) 

Mrs. Snitters I wisht I had some of this wood at 
home. Oh, has the ice cream come? ( Wright smiles at 
her, and sits down on the high stump, with a sigh.) If 
Sam Snitters wasn’t so lazy I’d send him after some 
wood. 

{Re-enter Dan, whistling softly.) 

Dan Now what cheerful idiot left the ice cream in the 
parlor? 

Mrs. Snitters (with a loud giggle) You are so com¬ 
ical ! What makes this the parlor, do tell! 

Dan {smiling at Wright) The reverend presence of 
Professor Wright, I reckon. 

Wright {“mad,” and getting off the. stump) Then if 
I remove my “reverend presence,” I presume this will be 
the kitchen, and the ice cream in the right place. {He 
stalks out, to left.) 

Dan {looking after him affectionately) By George, 
he gingered up! 

Mrs. Snitters {examining the tickets on the freezers) 
The poor young man, they say he is not well. Mrs. Mor¬ 
ton says it’s his liver. Seems like they’ve had a lot of 
liver complaint in her family, an’ so she knows about it. 

{Re-enter Babe and Galliger {from left). She 
carries some long trailing vines, and Galliger looks 
happier.) 


44 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Dan Here’s another case of liver complaint! 

Gallier (severely ) As a humorist, Dan, you have su¬ 
preme moments when you fall just short of—absolute 
idiocy! 

{Enter (from left) The Photograph Man, limping 
hopefully.) 

Photograph Man (planting his camera) Shall I not 
take your pictures, ladies and gentlemen? Just as you 
are, a charming rustic group ? Do not move, I implore 
you! {He dives under the rusty black cloth , and 
emerges, smiling.) Charming! Charming! 

Babe {curtly) Certainly not! 

Photograph Man {rubbing his hands, merchant-wise) 
Such a charming group! How can you resist the temp¬ 
tation ? 

Dan You’re a fine business man! {The Photograph 
Man anxiously regards Babe.) 

Galliger {seeing Mrs. Snifters 9 s interest) Let’s have 
a picture. The idea appeals to me. 

Babe {crossly) It doesn’t to me. Send the man away. 

Mrs. Snifters {respectfully,to The Photograph Man) 
What kind of pictures do you take, Sir? 

Photograph Man {bovuing to Mrs. Snitters) Elegant 
tintypes, Madam. Perfect likeness guaranteed. Framed, 
complete, three for a quarter. 

Galliger {with a bright smile, to Mrs. Snitters) We’ll 
just have some of those elegant little tintypes, Mrs. Snit¬ 
ters. 

Babe Galliger, you don’t want any old tintypes! 

Galliger That’s precisely what I do want.—Mrs. Snit¬ 
ters, do you prefer to sit or stand? We’ll have a group 
of two. 

Mrs. Snitters {delighted and rattled, putting down her 
faggots) Which way do you think would be best? 

Babe {getting Galliger s drift, and flashing him a 
smile of understanding) I would be seated, Mrs. Snit¬ 
ters. Here, let me fix you. {She arranges Mrs. Snitters, 
fussed and anxious, on the low stump.) You’re going to 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


45 


look very nice. (She takes off her apron, and presses 
the stiff white skirt into long folds.) 

Dan Here, lend a hand with this ice cream—unless 
you want it in the group! 

Galliger I shall be charmed. (He and Dan carry the 
freezers to right.) 

Photograph Man (to Babe , whom he admires a lot) 
Will you be in the picture? 

Mrs. Snitters (nervous and anxious) I wish you 
would ! Shall I hold my handkerchief in my hand ? Do 
my feet show? Did he say three for a quarter? 

Galliger (returning from the last ice cream trip) Do 
you people want to be in this picture? If so, speak now 
or forever after refrain from remarks. 

Dan (leaning lazily against the tree) I do not feel 
that I would add anything to the general artistic effect. 

Galliger Neither do I.—Mrs. Snitters, you look just 
right. Here, take these vines. What I want is a bridey 
effect. (He arranges the vines in her hands, trailing down 
over her skirt. He is in earnest, but Mrs. Snitters gets 
the nervous giggles.) Where’s that apron? She must 
have a train. (He takes it from Babe, and arranges it on 
the ground,—not a bad “effect,” and stands off to ad¬ 
mire it.) I call that some picture. I will now add the 
crowning effect. (He takes his “position” behind “the 
bride,” then speaks to The Photograph Man.) Please 
gimme your coat. I’ll make a hefty-lookin’ groom in 
these white togs! Thank you. (He dons the shabby 
Prince Albert.) Now I'am the humble but necessary 
groom, standing guard beside you. (Mrs. Snitters as¬ 
sumes a prunes-prisims expression.) 

Photograph Man (gravely) Stand further back, Mr.— 
Mr.— 

Galliger (spreading his hand on Mrs. Snitters’s 
shoulder) Gurdy. Galliger Gurdy. M.U.D. 

Photograph Man (taking hold of him) Stand there, 
Mr. Gurdy. There, how’s that? 

Babe (surveying “the group”) I think that is all right. 
Only, Galliger should have a flower in his buttonhole. 


46 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


Oh, I know! ( She fluffs her handkerchief through the 

buttonhole.) He must have a white flower about him 
somewhere. 

Dan (tolerant and superior, leaning >against the tree) 
Put it in his hair! 

Mrs. Snitters (afraid to move) How soon are you 
going to take the picture ? 

Galliger Right off. I am beginning to feel the strain 
myself.—Get busy, there! 

Photograph Man Steady, now! 

Mrs. Snitters Wait! Is my bouquet all right? {Babe 
nods a smiling assurance.) 

Photograph Man The lady will please look at this 
place ( indicates ). You look about here, Mr. Galliger. 
Now, perfectly quiet a minute . . . That’s all, thank you! 

Mrs. Snitters I was afraid to move! 

Galliger (peeling off the Prince Albert) Thank you, 
Sir. 

Mrs. Snitters (tying on her apron) I wonder what 
Sam Snitters will say to. that ! 

Galliger (giving Photograph Man some coin) Give 
us six, please. (To Mrs. Snitters , gathering up her fag¬ 
gots) You want one for each of the children, don’t you? 

Mrs. Snitters ( nodding happily) I wonder what Sam 
Snitters will say to seein’ me a bride again?—The chil¬ 
dren will be tickled stiff, Mr. Galliger. (She goes, to 
right.) 


(Re-enter (from right) Frank Sazvyer, with a 
megaphone made of newspaper.) 

Frank (officially, as it were) First, last, and only 
call for supper! 

Babe Where’s Professor Wright?—Galliger, go find 
him! 

Galliger (coldly) What makes you think he’s lost? 

Babe (frowning) Go on, I tell you! The poor man 
hasn’t had a bit nice time, and I’m afraid he won’t know 
when supper’s ready. 

Galliger Then let him remain in a state of ignorance. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


47 


Frank ( impatiently ) Go to supper, I tell you, you 
bone-heads! (He goes (to left) shouting through the 
horn) “Last call for supper!” “Last call for supper!”, 

Babe Please go, Galliger! He may not hear the call. 
Hurry up ! He must have his supper! 

Off-stage (Frank's voice, in a luxurious yell) Sup¬ 
per! “Last call for Supper!” “Supper!” 

Galliger (looking Babe over coldly) Go find him your¬ 
self. I’m not a search warrant! (He swings out, to the 
right.) 

Babe (biting her lips from vexation) We want you 
to take supper with us, Mr. Photograph Man. Please 
come this way. (The Photograph Man is overwhelmed , 
and smiles and bozos and dusts his old clothes.) 

Dan (stepping briskly azvay from the tree) Galliger’s 
a grouch. Pll find Prof., Babe. -Don’t worry about him. 
I’ll bring him back with his shield or on it. (He goes, 
to left.) 

Babe (smiling on The Photograph Man, sprucing him¬ 
self up) This way, please. (They go to right.) 

(There succeeds, off-stage (to right) cries of “This is 
some spread !” “I've been savin' up for a week !” “Please 
* pass the % coffcc\" “Mrs. Grindcm, you sit at the head\" 
Much laughter and noise, then Babe's voice, distinct and 
clear, “No, Mrs. Snifters, you are to sit down with us. 
. . . And I say Yes. Right here by me.") 

(Curtain) 


48 Prof. Wright Palls in Love 

ACT III 
Scene 2 

{Same as Scene 1. Kirkwood Glen. Early twilight. 
A few empty candy boxes, scattered on the ground, and 
an open magazine on the high stump. Off-stage {to 
right) is heard a low, melodious chorus of young voices : 

“How the old folks would enjoy^ it !•— 

They would sit all night, and listen, 

As we sang in the evening by the moonlight !”) 

{Enter {from right) Professor Wright, walking 
slowly, his hands clasped behind him, his head bent 
as in thought. He passes, unseeing, on to the left. A 
few seconds later, t and evidently with the intention 
of catching up with him, enter Miss Spaulding {from 
right), walking with smiling confidence. She passes 
on to the left. A few seconds after her passing, 
comes the same soft singing : 

“How the old folks would enjoy it ! — 

They would sit all night, and listen, 

As we sang in the evening by the moonlight \”) 

{Enter {from right) Frank Sawyer and Millie 
Cameron, walking slowly.) 

Frank That was some walk. Are you tired? 

Millie {sinking on the low stump) Yes, a little. 

{The Photograph Man, carrying his camera, a box 
and a big basket, limps across the stage, from right 
to left.) 

Babe is a dear sort of girl. She gave him a whole cake 
and sandwiches galore. It seems he has seven children. 
She knows their names already. 

Frank {standing by her side) She and Galliger had 
a row before supper. Dan told me about it. He thinks 
Wright is sweet on her. {Millie occupies herself with the 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


49 


wild flowers she holds.) I kind of think so myself. 
(After a pause.) Are you tired? 

Millie (quietly) No, I am rested now. 

Frank That would about finish Galliger. 

Millie (not looking ' up) What would about finish 
Galliger ? 

Frank (taking a flower, and slowly pulling it to pieces 
as he talks) To have Wright sweet on Babe. Mrs. Mor¬ 
ton thinks it’s Marne he cares for. Fannie Farren thinks 
it’s Miss Spaulding. And so it goes. (There is a pause.) 
But they all agree that he’s got it bad, whoever it is . . . 
Do you want a drink of water? 

Millie No, no, what’s the matter with you? I am not 
tired, and I do not want a drink of water! 

Frank (watching her down-cast face closely) You’re 
so quiet . . . 

(Enter (from right) Mrs. Grindem, Mrs. Morton, 
Babe, and Marne, escorted by Dan Mitchell, all laden- 
ed as if bound for home.) 

Mrs. Morton (sinking on a stump) Oh, I’ve had such 
a good time! I don’t know when I’ve had such a good 
time! I said to Martha, “I’ll go because they’ve asked 
me, but really I’m too old for picnics.” But I’m not, a 
bit! I’ve seen the blueplate windmill, and the Lovers’ 
Leap, and the Robbers’ Cave, an’ everything! 

Dan But we didn’t see “A Flemish Interior.”—I sus¬ 
pect we’d better be moving on, Mrs. Grindem. 

Mrs. Grindem (assisting Mrs. Morton to rise) Yes, 
Mother, you can rest in the van. (The party passes out 
(to left), Mrs. Grindem smiling back to Frank and Mil¬ 
lie, looking after them.) 

Frank I think it’s a shame to go home so early. 

Millie (idling with her flozvers) I like Mrs. Grind- 
em’s old-fashioned ideas of decency. 

Frank I know you do, and I like you because you like 
them. (There is a pause, Frank watching her face wist¬ 
fully.) Sometimes you don’t seem a bit like the rest of 


50 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


the girls. ( Millie does not look up.) You care a lot 
about serious things, don’t you? 

Millie I never have thought whether I do or not . . . 
I know I like serious people. 

Frank I know you do. 

{Enter {from right) Bess and Miss Spaulding.) 

Bess {ruefully) “It’s a long way to Tipperary !” I’ve 
had enough picnic to last me! If I don’t die of blood- 
poisoning I’ll be lucky! 

Millie Does your finger hurt? 

Bess No, but sometimes they don’t swell till the next 
day. You’re never dead till you die. {Miss Spaulding 
laughs and they go out , to left.) 

{The Three Flappers, with arms entwined, sway¬ 
ing gently in unison—a waltz unison!—to their own 
singing, “My heart , Beautiful Lady, to your heart 
cries', To you, Beautiful Lady, I lift my eyes\ ” cross 
the stage, slozvly, from right to left.) 

Frank {after a pause, when the off-stage singing 
“Come, come, Beautiful Lady, to Paradise !” has died 
away) You’re very quiet tonight ... I always notice 
it, when you’re quiet. 

Millie {indifferently, glancing up for the first time) 
Why? 

Frank {stepping close, and taking a fold of her dress 
between his fingers, timidly) “My heart, Beautiful 
Lady, to your heart cries . ” 

{Enter {from left) slowly, Professor Wright, 
walking with head down. He plumps into Frank, 
and backs off, half-smiling.) 

Wright Ah, Frank, pardon me. I was— {He sees 
Millie , and something in Frank’s face gives “the situa¬ 
tion” azvay.) I am s—so sorry I intruded— {He keeps 
backing blindly.) I—I would not have intruded for the 
world. I repeat, I would not — 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


51 


Millie (rising, and in so doing dropping her handker¬ 
chief at the root of the stump) Really, Professor Wright, 
it is nothing. We were just going — 

Frank (getting hold of himself with an effort) That’s 
all right, Professor! Don’t mention it. ( Wright bozvs, 
quite humbly, and walks out (to right) very quietly.) Mil¬ 
lie, I must tell you now,—I’ve been wanting to tell you— 

Millie (raising a protesting hand) Please, Frank, no 
more. I didn’t know — 

Frank How could you not know? When a fellow’s 
heart is lying right in your way . . . 

Millie We’ll miss the van. Come on. (She goes (to 
left) and all Frank can do is to follow her.) 

(Several high school folks cross the stage, from 
right to left, and lastly, a giggling, zig-zag, madcap 
group of boys and girls with the bigger ice cream 
freezer, upon zvhich one of the boys insists upon rid¬ 
ing, to the impediment of all progress and the fur¬ 
therance of all merriment.) 

(Then, from right, re-enter Professor Wright. He 
looks perfectly miserable, and carries magazines, a 
hammock, a dish pan, and the smaller ice cream 
freezer. He looks about cautiously, puts down his 
burdens, then hunts at the base of the stump on 
zvhich Millie sat; finds the handkerchief, folds it, 
and puts it in his breast pocket. Then he takes up 
several burdens, carefully, and starts out, to left.) 

(Enter (from left) Millie Cameron, hastily. She 
collides with Wright.) 

Wright (backing off) I beg your pardon. 

Millie (sheering to one side) I beg your pardon. I 
didn’t see you — 

Wright This ice cream freezer was forgotten. 

Millie I don’t see why you should have to carry it. 

Wright (coldly) Oh, I—I like to carry it. That is, 
I do not mind carrying it. I do not know whose ham¬ 
mock this is. 


52 Prof. Wright Falls in Love 

Millie (hunting for something around the base of the 
stump) It’s Galliger’s. I’d let him remember his own 
hammock. I am looking for my handkerchief. 

Wright You are looking for your handkerchief — 

Millie (gravely ) You know a handkerchief is not a 
matter of value; most of the time it is a matter of imag¬ 
ination; if you have one, your mind is at peace; if you 
find you’ve lost it, your mind is — 

Wright (with intense gravity) —at war. Certainly. 
I get your meaning. ( He puts down all his burdens, 
slowly and carefully, Millie watching him, and takes the 
handkerchief from his pocket.) Is this it? 

Milie (taking it and examiming ' the corner) Yes. 
Thank you. 

Wright ( stolidly ) You’re welcome. (He takes up his 
burdens, one by one, and starts out (to left) ; turns, irreso¬ 
lute, then puts everything down, and extends his hand.) 
I found that handkerchief, so it is really mine. Please 
give it to me. 

Millie (looking at him steadily) But you returned it 
to me. Why did you do that? 

Wright (looking down) I thought I could live with¬ 
out it. I can not. 

Millie You can not live without my handkerchief? 

Wright (turning away) I am wrong. You need not 
give it to me. I had forgotten Frank — 

Millie Look at me . . . Look at me, I say! Why 
should you remember Frank? 

Wright (taking up the magazines, the pan, the ham¬ 
mock and the freezer, with stolid system, then turning 
squarely to her) He loves you. I saw that much— (Mil¬ 
lie looks at him with the sort of smile that no sane man 
mistakes. His sad face lightens, radiates.) It’s not the 
handkerchief I can not live without. It’s something else 
—somebody else! Oh, help me to say it! . . . Help me 
to say it! 

(Enter Mrs. Snifters (from right) carrying a bas¬ 
ket, a huge coffee pot, and an overwhelming bunch 
of wild flowers.) 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


53 


Mrs. Snifters (panting slightly ) She’s a-startin’! 

You’ll have ter run, Purrfesser! 

Wright (wheeling on her) To whom do you allude, 
Madam ? 

Mrs. Snifters The bus! The bus! It’s a-startin’! 
You’ll have ter run! (She hurries out (to left) on a 
zvaddly run, crying, “Hi, there\ Hold on there V ’) 

Wright (quietly) I presume we had better be going. 
I hate to hurry you — 

Millie (uhth a happy gesture) Hurry me! I’m so 
happy I could fly! 

Voice off-stage Wait fer the Purrfesser! Wait for 
the Purrfesser! 

Voice off-stage (to right) All aboard for the city! 
All aboard for the city! 

Wright (in a panic, dropping everything kersmash\) 
GALLIGER! (He looks at Millie beseechingly.) He’ll 
have to know, d—dearest! 

Millie (with a happy laugh, grabbing his hand) Oh, 
let him know! Let everybody know ! Come on! (They 
run out (to left) laughing.) 

Voice off-stage (to right) “All that ain’t ready hol¬ 
ler I!” . . . “All that ain’t ready holler I!” 

(In tzvo seconds, Galliger bolts onto the stage 
(from right), and stops dead still, seeing the deserted 
things.) 

Galliger (examining the hammock) That’s my ham¬ 
mock. Now who the dickens —(He straightens up, and 
looks to right, then left, and secs , presumably, the fleeing 
lovers.) By the Great Horn Spoon, Millie Cameron! 
. . . Millicent Cameron! (He mauls off his cap, and 
makes a lozv bow to some imaginary auditor.) Miss Mar¬ 
garet Woodward, I beg your pardon, (with his hand on 
his heart, earnestly) I beg your pardon! (Then he 
stands, looking after the fleeing lovers until his happy 
grin grows to full-throated laughter, then he grabs the 
magazines, the pan, the hammock, the freezer, pellmell, 
and dashes after them, shouting, “ Help\ Murder ! 

POLICE \") 


(Curtain) 


54 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


AN ANNOUNCEMENT 

After January 1, 1924, seven of the Woodman Plays 
for schools, high schools and colleges, namely, “The 
Sweet Girl Graduates,” (t The Professor,” “His Uncle 
John,” “Galliger,” “Bess Goes to Europe,” “The Rescue 
of Prince Hal” and “The Cinder Maid,” for ten years 
published by The Eldridge Entertainment House, of 
Franklin, Ohio, will be published by The: Woodman 
Plays Company, of Poughkeepsie, New York. 

After September 15, 1924, the remaining six of The 
Woodman Plays, namely, “The Clever Doctor,” “The 
Master's Birthday : a Dickens Party,” “Preserving a 
Smith,” “The Honest Shoemaker,” “Billy Ben's Pirate 
Play” and “The Oaten Cakes,” now published by The 
Eldridge Entertainment House, will be taken over by 
Thk Woodman Plays Company. 


Prof. Wright Falls in Love 


55 


REA WOODMAN: HER BOOKS. 

The Noahs Afloat An Historical Romance. 

Cloth, 12mo; net, $1.50; postage, 10 cents. 

“A delicious burlesque, irreverent but irresistibly funny.” 

—The Bookseller. 

The Heart and the Crown A Volume of Sonnets. 

Full leather; printed in two colors; postpaid, $1.25. 

“The work is of fine quality, with much that is beautiful and 
effective.” —The Graduate Magazine . 

Tumbleweed A Book of Vagrant Verse. 

Cloth, 16mo; net, $1.00; postage, 8 cents. 

“This beautiful poetry has the scent of the prairie grass, the 
rhythm of the rolling plains.”— The Eagle. 

The Open Road A Book of Outcast Verse. 

Cloth, 16mo; net, $1.25; postage, 8 cents. 

“A book of verse which rises clean out of the realm of the 
ordinary.”—The Wichita Beacon. 

In Memoriam: The Titanic Disaster A Lyrical Se¬ 
quence. Cloth, 50 cents. 

“A majestic book.”—The Southampton (England) Echo. 

The Bobbie Bennett Plays for Children. 

Paper, 50 cents. 

Six one-act plays for the younger children. Easy, natural 
and amusing. 


The above books may be ordered through bookshops, 
or from The Woodman Plays Company. 


56 


Prof. Wright Palls in Love 


REA WOODMAN’S PLAYS 

for 

SCHOOLS AND CHILDREN. 


The Master’s Birthday: A Dickens Party A play in 

i three acts and an epilogue in pantomime. 

Dickens’ dream children hold a party in his honor. 4 boys, 
5 girls, and 1 adult. Time, 1 hour. Price, 15 cents. 


The Honest Shoemaker A Christmas play in four 

scenes. 

Founded on Grimm’s Fairy Tale, “The Shoemaker and the 
Elves.” 4 boys, 2 girls, and 2 small children. Time, 
1 hour. Price, 15 cents. 


The Cinder Maid A Romantic Comedy in four scenes. 

Founded on the lovely Cinderella legend. 5 girls, 2 boys. 
Time, 1 hour. Price, 25 cents. 


The Oaten Cakes A Historical Play in three scenes. 

Founded on the story of King Alfred and the burned cakes. 
7 boys, 1 girl. Time, 1 hour. Price, 15 cents. 


Billy Ben’s Pirate Play A One-Act Dress Rehearsal. 

Billy Ben, playwright and actor, directs the rehearsal in 
person. 3 boys, 4 girls, and 1 adult. Time, 1% hours. 
Price, 25 cents. 


The above books may be ordered through bookshops, 
or from The Woodman Plays Company. 


Bess Goes to Europe (1910) A Comedy of Haste in 
three acts and a telephone prologue. You take a girl 
like Bess Tapping, a pellmell, never-quite-on-time girl, 
and get her ready to go suddenly to Europe—it’s some 
job, believe me! 5 male, 6 female characters. Time, 
1 y 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

The Rescue of Prince Hal (1911) A Comedy of Man¬ 
ners in three acts and an epilogue. His Aunt Kate, 
interested in “things that count after you’re dead,” 
promptly rescues Harry Henderson Hess from the in¬ 
consequent life of his ultra-fashionable relations. 

4 male, 5 female characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 
25 cents. 

Preserving a Smith (1912) A Burlesque of Shadows 
in three acts. The Noahs, eight of ’em, lonesome, 
isolate, bereft, snoopin’ aroun’ in the darkness,—the 
pervading, perpetual darkness!—discover a Stowaway 
in the Ark,—little Johnnie Smith, alias “Shiner.” 5 
male, 4 female characters. Time 2 hours. Price 25 
cents. 

The Clever Doctor (1912) A Dramatic Satire in five 
acts. Raised to a fashionable practice in a faultless 
neighborhood, by a comic twist of fortune, is Jacob 
•Crabbs, Peasant, Pretender and Potential Toady. 

5 male, 3 female characters. Time, \ V 2 hours. Price 
25 cents. 

Prof. Wright Falls in Love (1923) A Spring Rhapsody 
in three acts. A young Professor, modest, deferential, 
and awfully polite, in love for the first time, and in the 
sentimental month of May,—that’s this. 5 male, 8 
female characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

The King of Nolande (1923) A Political Satire in three 
acts and an epilogue. Ferdinand Nosco, born a King, 
has too much brains for the job, resigns, and lights 
out to earn an honest living. 8 male, 2 female char¬ 
acters. Time, 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

THE WOODMAN PLAYS COMPANY, 
POUGHKEEPSIE, NEW YORK 





